Dear Mama,
I know you: staring in the mirror, wondering if they’d all be better off without you. Did you lose it this morning when they spilled their cereal and milk all over the floor? When the baby just wouldn’t stop crying and that darn toilet clogged for the umpteenth time?
I know what you see when you look in the mirror because it’s what I’ve seen too: All the ways we don’t add up. All the ways we’re not enough, all the ways we could have been for them–us–and how did it end up like this?
But that’s not the truth reflecting back at you, Mama. That’s the lies of an illness, of a brain that is tired and sick and just needs some help. Please, please don’t give up. I know what it feels like to be so desperate that nothing feels more appealing than just not being here anymore. But please listen to me: you are worth saving. You are worth fighting for. Your family is worth fighting for, and they need you to be well so they can be well.
So, friend, if you are considering suicide, if you think your family might just be better off without you, this post is for you.
Please, please don't give up, Mama.
(I first want to tell you that I already consider you my sister. You are my sister because we fight this battle together, you and me. Being a mom is hard enough without fighting a mental illness (whether that is depression, anxiety, PTSD, or bipolar disorder (read Why I Talk to My Kids about My Bipolar Disorder) like me every minute of the day. But you are not your illness. You are worthy, beautiful, and whole, no matter what the lies in your head scream at you.
You are worthy, beautiful, and whole no matter what the lies in your head scream at you.
There is a lie that rattles around inside my head when I’m too worn out, too depressed, too drugged to get up and be a mom, when my husband has to take time off work to care for the kids because I just can’t. The lie whispers that I’m failing at this motherhood thing. That lie tells me they all think so, too. I’ve lived years on end with the nagging thought that they’d all be better if I weren’t lying on this couch, in this house, messing up this family. I’ve lived years fighting back those thoughts until I had no fight left in me.
I started to wonder what other thoughts might be lies. I told my therapist about these thoughts, about my daydreams of just not waking up one day.
She asked me,
“Do you know what the one thing kids don’t recover from?”
I thought of all the ways I’d already failed as a mom.
“Having a bipolar mother?” I answered.
She shook her head. And then she gave me this gift,
“No. You can mess up in a thousand ways with your kids. You can be a drug addict, you can go crazy, you can neglect them or hurt them. They can get over it. You’re their mom, and they can love you through almost anything. But what they never recover from is when a parent leaves them, either through abandonment or suicide. They never get over that, and they always think it’s their fault. What’s worse, many perpetuate the cycle. There are higher suicide rates for children of suicides. So if you can just stay alive, they have a really good chance of being okay.”
If you can just keep breathing, you're doing right by your family.
I sat back, aghast. I had been thinking that maybe if I just slipped away it would all be better for my family. I was screwing so much up, not contributing like I should, not performing up to my own impossible standards. I just kept thinking they would all be better off if they could just get a better wife and mom.
I started laughing, and crying and exclaimed, “That’s so simple!” And so full of grace. I may not be a gold-standard, Pinterest mom. But if I can just keep breathing, my kids have a shot at turning out not completely screwed up. If I can just keep breathing, I’m doing right by my family. I may not be the mom who gets them to school on time or holds her temper or makes the much-needed second income. But if my first thought in the morning is simply, “Just keep breathing,” maybe I can succeed at that. Maybe you can, too, my friend.
You, Mama, are absolutely necessary to the wellbeing of your family. Don't give up.
So, Mama, set down those standards that are impossible for anyone to keep. Set down the belief that you are not worthy of all the help available to you. Grab onto this idea that you are enough, as long as you’re breathing, for your family. You are the only one who can be their mama. You are the only one who can keep their mama breathing.
Don’t buy into the lie that this family of yours will be better without you. Fight for them by fighting for your own life, for your own health. Fuel your self-care with your love for your family. And be the best breathing mama you can be. Never forget that your very presence, your breathing self, is absolutely necessary to the well-being of your family.
You, my friend, are absolutely essential.
Don’t give up.
Love,
Your sister in the fight,
Taylor
Sister, if you are sick, get help. Get into a counselor and/or psychiatrist, a Fresh Hope or Thrive group through the Grace Alliance, tell someone how you’re feeling. Don’t let those scary thoughts rattle around in your head without speaking them outloud and getting rid of them! If you need to, call the Suicide Prevention 24 Hour Lifeline– Call 1-800-273-8255, go to the ER. Do whatever it takes to take care of your babies’ mama. You’re worth it. You’re the only mama they’ve got. Bless you, friend.
Taylor – Beautifully said and in a way that only you could do it. Thank you. I will be reposting this first thing tomorrow. People need to read this. I hope you will consider adding it to our link-up. I can send you the link if you need me to. It was the post in my website last Friday.
Maree Dee,
Thanks so much. I would love a link for your link up!
I appreciate it.
Blessings, Taylor